How To Show Up For Someone In Mental Crisis
Honestly, what people really need- what we need to talk more about- is money.
More than a few have asked me how to best show up for someone in a mental health crisis, so I thought I’d share some of the ways my people carried me through my darkest moments the last few years.
If I had the ambition to illustrate this like a food triangle, the bottom level would simply be titled “listen.”
There were so many people who showed up - be it via text, DM, group chats, zooms, phone calls and in person- and listened to me. They came without agendas, they let me process uncomfortable feelings, they didn’t try to fix me. They just listened.
At my worst, I was terrified to open up to anyone, convinced that I was over exaggerating my pain and despair. I can not begin to quantify the value of feeling heard and validated. Even if nothing changed, being listened to felt like mental & physical relief to at least a small degree.
Don’t assume they will come to you. Reach out. Check in. Invite them to simply be in your presence even if they don’t want to talk.
I have since offered to friends that I can call them and they can put me on speaker phone and just sit in silence if they’d like, or scream or cry, and I don’t have to say anything. I can just be there with them in their pain, listening.
Directly above that would be financial support.
I imagine for just about anyone finances are going to be a huge stressor when they are incapacitated by a mental health crisis. What makes this even worse is it’s not often talked about like it is when someone is physically ill or injured. And when you are already at war with your brain, the epic beast that is shame will have you thinking you deserve to lose everything because you’re a lazy piece of shit who can’t stop being depressed.
Financial support SAVED me. That’s not an exaggeration. My most intrusive and unrelenting suicidal ideations always happened when I could not see my way out of a financial hole. My brain had me thinking I deserved to lose my kids and be evicted because I couldn’t stop crying long enough to read an email, let alone work.
$10 Starbucks gift cards in my email, $20 GoFundMe donations, $50 Uber Eats credits texted to me, incredibly generous Venmo payments- it all mattered SO MUCH.
Unless you know with certainty this person is totally set financially, I say skip the $6 card or the flowers or any cutesy gifts. Pass that $ directly onto them in some way.
My guess is many people will have a hard time accepting this. I’m not one to be super pushy about people’s boundaries, but this is one I say to press. They may never agree to having a GFM set up, but you can straight up put cash in an envelope in their mailbox, or Venmo them.
What’s even more important, though, is making sure we acknowledge how very brave it is for the people who not only accept this, but also directly ask for it.
I asked my friends to set up a GFM for me when I was at one of those very low points. My choices were to check myself into partial hospitalization that would cost thousands, even with insurance, and would take me out of work for 2 months, or… just stay depressed and unable to work? Assuming I wanted to stay alive, there was only one option.
The vast majority of my network showed up to support me with nothing but positivity when I shared my GFM link.
Not everyone, though. I got several comments, emails, and was even accidentally tagged in a FB post that called me “entitled” and “delusional” and laughed at my asking for help.
If you’ve ever said or thought, “I wish they would have asked for help,” when you’ve learned of a suicide, you need to be clear that financial support is often THE HELP they needed.
If you have the capacity, be their adult- or at least one of them.
When people are diagnosed with cancer or they are in the hospital after a car accident, there are likely other adults who are stepping up to do the adult-y things for them so they can focus on healing.
This absolutely is useful to someone in mental health crisis, as well, starting with helping them find help.
The vicious emotional beating that is trying to be mentally well enough to find a psychiatrist, therapist, or other help for your mental illness is too much to face for some people.
I was fortunate that Scott (my ex husband) and my best friend stepped in, insurance documents in hand, and did everything from research and then explain my options to me all the way to sitting with me as I was admitted and driving me to and from my program when I didn’t feel safe behind the wheel.
Other people adulted for me by paying my bills (with my own money, but sometimes theirs), making delayed payment arrangements for me, helping with childcare, coming over to do my laundry and dishes, dropping off groceries, checking in to be sure I was eating, etc.
Finally, keep loving them as a person beyond their mental illness.
I think most people will eventually get tired of reporting back to every person, every day the state of their mental health. I know I do. So maybe less “how are you?” and more “this made me think of you!”
Yes, Gifs are a love language. Memes are acceptable forms of friendship currency. Text them to say hello and that you’re thinking of them, tell them it’s ok to not text back. Invite them out, even if (especially if) you know they’re not going to want or be able to come. Keep including them.
Talk to them about stuff they like that has nothing to do with their mental illness.
Send them notes about how much you’re cheering for them.
Keep loving them in all the small ways you know how to, even if they fall off the radar for a while. I promise, they’ll notice. I promise, it matters.
And yeah, you can still send cards and flowers. Cuddly blankets, cozy socks, rich candles, and journals with nice pens were some of my most cherished gifts. But only because I was also getting all the other more important support I needed first.
This is incredibly helpful. And, should be spread widely.
I love that you are sharing this and that you had the help you needed to take care of yourself! It's so important and helpful to know what to say or do in a situation like this. So thank you for being so open!!!