Parenthood was the first thing I really wanted in life that I couldn’t figure out and ace by just working hard and putting my mind to it, and that was a real blow.
Now, this former “gifted” first generation college graduate is realizing that this is something I’m going to have to accept about my mental health, too.
I can do the therapy, partial hospitalization, outpatient, workbooks, text books, journal, try so damn hard every day for the rest of my life, and I will still never feel like I complete any of this, let alone do it well.
There isn’t going to be a day when I think, “Aha! Now I get it!” and then effortlessly solve the fix-my-brain equation every day for the rest of my life.
This is never going to be like riding a bike.
I question if I even accumulate compound interest on my efforts. There are weeks it feels like I go all the way back to the start, the bottom, lose all my progress. It’s equal parts terrifying and comforting knowing what I feel today in no way guarantees the way I’ll feel tomorrow.
I keep trying to think of a nice analogy to life and parenting to flip this on it’s side and make it feel more hopeful, but I’m really just at a place where all I can say is I’m tired. I’m not going to give up, but sometimes I need a break from myself.
Can someone tell me how to put my brain to bed early with a sitter so I can enjoy a night away from it?
I’m trying so hard.
This photo is probably confusing without context. I should write about my paper cranes here. I will. There’s an IG story highlight here.
I'm not sure if this is helpful or partially what you are saying but I heard something on 2 different podcasts recently that really reaonated with me and it instantly jumped out at me when i read this... if I'm way off base i digress..... what resonated with me was hearing that sometimes when we're working so hard in therapy or just on ourselves we end up almost driving ourselves "crazier" by putting all our energy into it, worrying too much that we have to fix every parts of us. When some are good enough left alone. So I'm not sure how much that applys here but maybe you've answered it yourself with your second to last paragraph... maybe you just need to take a break from yourself especially the hard parts.. tell them... not right now.. maybe you don't need to ACE your mental health. Maybe just accepting that taking meds, keeping therapy appts, and staying alive is enough. Without judgement of yourself and judging whether you're doing it right. You don't need to be perfect at mental health... no one is. Though our struggles are different you inspire me. Thank you for your vulnerability
So I was just talking about the following with anoth3er person whom is experiencing the same as you. A few years ago I came across an article (or video) about a ptsd study. Scientists traumatized a batch of lab rats. They kept half of them awake past their normal fall asleep time. The other half were allowed to fall asleep at their normal time. The scientists found that that the rats that they kept awake had zero signs of ptsd while the other rats had full on ptsd. This struck a cord with me because I have always stayed up way past my bedtime during unhappy and stressful times. Which for me these days is every night. This made me understand why I would do my best discoveries and best work when the world around me is sleeping. I feel at peace during this hour or four and I find my mind settles down considerably. I ruminate about things and to help understand them better and put them to bed (pun intended). Good, bad, indifferent. Also exercise, ie a mixture of weight training and sports always has kept me even keeled as well. Every little bit helps. Never give up...!