I Exhaust Me
This is never going to be like riding a bike, is it?
Parenthood was the first thing I really wanted in life that I couldn’t figure out and ace by just working hard and putting my mind to it, and that was a real blow.
Now, this former “gifted” first generation college graduate is realizing that this is something I’m going to have to accept about my mental health, too.
I can do the therapy, partial hospitalization, outpatient, workbooks, text books, journal, try so damn hard every day for the rest of my life, and I will still never feel like I complete any of this, let alone do it well.
There isn’t going to be a day when I think, “Aha! Now I get it!” and then effortlessly solve the fix-my-brain equation every day for the rest of my life.
This is never going to be like riding a bike.
I question if I even accumulate compound interest on my efforts. There are weeks it feels like I go all the way back to the start, the bottom, lose all my progress. It’s equal parts terrifying and comforting knowing what I feel today in no way guarantees the way I’ll feel tomorrow.
I keep trying to think of a nice analogy to life and parenting to flip this on it’s side and make it feel more hopeful, but I’m really just at a place where all I can say is I’m tired. I’m not going to give up, but sometimes I need a break from myself.
Can someone tell me how to put my brain to bed early with a sitter so I can enjoy a night away from it?
I’m trying so hard.
This photo is probably confusing without context. I should write about my paper cranes here. I will. There’s an IG story highlight here.
I'm not sure if this is helpful or partially what you are saying but I heard something on 2 different podcasts recently that really reaonated with me and it instantly jumped out at me when i read this... if I'm way off base i digress..... what resonated with me was hearing that sometimes when we're working so hard in therapy or just on ourselves we end up almost driving ourselves "crazier" by putting all our energy into it, worrying too much that we have to fix every parts of us. When some are good enough left alone. So I'm not sure how much that applys here but maybe you've answered it yourself with your second to last paragraph... maybe you just need to take a break from yourself especially the hard parts.. tell them... not right now.. maybe you don't need to ACE your mental health. Maybe just accepting that taking meds, keeping therapy appts, and staying alive is enough. Without judgement of yourself and judging whether you're doing it right. You don't need to be perfect at mental health... no one is. Though our struggles are different you inspire me. Thank you for your vulnerability
Please write about how you make the cranes. Every time you make something I always find it easier to to see how you do it than any you tube video. I love when you do crafts I’ve done very craft you’ve done on your blogs.