Is It A Love Language Or A Defense For Emotional Negligence?

We may not prefer some love languages, but we should all be minimally fluent in each one.

I’m a sucker for a personality test. Anytime I discover a new way to sort myself into a classification, I pounce on the online quizzes and ask my mom - again- to confirm the time I was born.

I am a: Pisces, ENFP, Enneagram 7w8, Hufflepuff, Manifesting Generator

And I think, if you know what those things mean, that’s a very accurate description of my entire personality.

Conversely, if you’re a special person to me, I want to know all the file folders you belong in, too. I want to deeply understand you as much as I want you to fully see me.

I read somewhere (and by “somewhere” I mean a passing meme on my IG feed as I scrolled) that people like this - like me - are drawn to personality classifications because they felt misunderstood as children.

Idk that I would say that’s something I was aware I felt as a child, but there were definitely a lot of people who said things to me like, “You’re better than this,” when I misplaced things, got lost in daydreams, missed a deadline because I was focused on something else.

I mean, was I? Was I supposed to be better than trying my best? — I’ve unpacked that in therapy for hours.

What you don’t see listed as one of my “This Is Who I Am” folders is my love language.

For years, this sorting index has left me feeling the exact opposite of seen and understood, and it’s contributed to my warped ideas of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Validity aside - I’m going to skip getting into the many research-backed arguments against the love languages and the LL quiz - as something that’s been a widely accepted way to sort our likes and dislikes in relationships for all of my adult life, this shit never made sense, and I felt lost and like I just wasn’t getting it trying to figure it out.

The 5 love languages are:

• acts of service

• physical touch

• quality time

• gifts

• words of affirmation

Apparently, we can enjoy giving and receiving all of these, but we might not - many of us don’t. There should, however, be one that is OUR love language - the one that most helps us connect with others.

But I always looked at this list and thought, “I need all of those. I want all of those. I want to love someone with all of those.”

Forever needy, this fit right into the negative stories I believed about myself about how I should be better than this. I shouldn’t be so greedy. Why couldn’t I settle on my one love language?

I’m sure there are good intentions behind the LLs, and I’m sure it is a helpful way for many people to communicate to the ones they care about how to best be loved. But I’m also sure they’ve been used as a defense for emotional negligence - intentionally or not.

“He’s terrible at giving me gifts, but that’s not his love language.” No, he’s not even trying.

“She doesn’t really tell me when he’s proud of me, but I don’t need to hear it.” Bullshit, you deserve to hear the people you love praise you.

I could go on for all 5, but you get the idea. And, of course, this goes both ways in a relationship.

The point is that while we may not prefer some of these love languages, we should all be minimally fluent in each one.

Because someone who is never around to spend quality time with you, who never speaks positive words to you, but will happily change your oil — can be a person who loves you by doing things for you AND someone who needs to do some deep work around emotional availability and boundaries.

It’s ok to respect that some people feel more comfortable with some outward expressions of love than others, but there’s magic in figuring out the why behind that.

I usually ask my dates what their sign is, and have talked more than a few into taking the enneagram test. If and when love languages come up, though, I’m not interested in the one they align with most. I’m more interested in hearing if there are any they feel strongly are just not their thing.

And then? I want to listen very carefully for curiosity in their voice.

What’s more important than knowing what our love languages are is being able to question what our love languages are not — instead of blindly accepting where we lack as simply part of who we are and always will be.