What If I Need A Break, But I Can't Take One?
You have to walk away and let things fall.
“What do you do when you know you need a break, but you can’t take one?” Some version of this question pops into my DMs frequently. There are always very valid reasons why the woman sending it feels this way.
Her husband works a demanding job, she has a special needs child, she’s a single mother, her career will implode, she won’t be able to pay the bills… and on and on, every single reason one that deserves empathy and validation.
I don’t know that I’m the person to help with this, that I’m the example to look to. I don’t have a list of resources, help to engage prior to taking a deserved and desperately needed break and seeking help, that will make any of this better. The sad truth is I don’t think there’s really much out there.
My experience, and my knowledge of the experiences of others, has taught me that when you get to your breaking point, if you don’t find a way to get the intense level of care that you need, things are going to happen that eventually force that. In fact, it’s likely going to escalate.
Women who are breaking, often the keystone of their family or office, have to walk away and let people fall. There is no pretty or easy way around this. We have to learn to love ourselves so deeply that we can live with dropping every ball so that we can heal.
And that sounds impossible when you are breaking under the weight of self loathing.
It’s a trust fall. You walk away and let things around you fall apart, trusting that this gives birth to a healed version of you. But, she won’t be so strong she can come back and clean up all the mess she left behind. She’ll be even stronger.
She’ll come back and have compassion for herself, and love herself so much for getting help. She won’t feel the need to clean up the messes because she will know that the people in her life are capable, and always have been, of picking up the pieces.
Is it really that simple? Yes. And no. Of course, parents should always try to keep their kids best interests at the top of their priority list. I’m not advocating for irresponsible abandonment, but I am challenging you to redefine what people in your life truly “need” from you vs. what they or you expect.
One example:
I stopped managing pediatrician appointments and school communication a few years ago. My co-parent is capable of taking the reigns on these, and asking for my help when it’s needed. It’s exactly the same arrangement we had, in reverse, for 12 years before that.
Finances and healthcare make all of this so much more difficult. I fully understand the gravity of not being able to pay bills or take on more debt. I live it every single day of my life, and I hate it. But, I have no doubt that this is the lesser of the two burdens, and that continuing to live my life as a broken person would have escalated to a point impossible to return from.
This: It’s a trust fall. You walk away and let things around you fall apart, trusting that this gives birth to a healed version of you.