When Someone Asks How To Make It Through Ending A Marriage...
This is all I feel to be true so far.
I typed out this response to an IG DM last year, asking me how I got through leaving my marriage. My Notes app is a goldmine for Substack content and for reminding me that sometimes I need to re-read my own words.
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I haven’t made it through, though I believe that’s a destination I’ll get to eventually- the other side.
But the only way to get there is the in-between.
So my best guess is we make it through by sinking deep into the in-between, the gray space, the place where our heart feels unsettled and without a home.
We can’t get to the other side without GETTING there, and that means being in the space of not knowing and yearning and breaking and healing. It’s one of the saddest, darkest places I’ve ever been. It’s also one of the deepest and most restorative. Both can be true about the in-between, even at the same time.
The thing about the in-between is you don’t have to actively do anything to be there. You wake up there, you fall asleep there. On days when you don’t know how you’ll keep doing it, the in-between will keep existing until you figure out what your next right step is. You’re on your own time.
Breathe.
Even when scarcity makes your gut wrench as you curl up in bed at night, you have so much more than nothing.
Ask for help. Let people help you. They are cheering for you. Humanity is on your side.
You are breaking so you can become new. It hurts. Breaking always does. The growing does, too.
It’s painful in the in-between, but that doesn’t mean it’s not productive. Both can be true, even at the same time.
Cry, rest, grieve, go a little crazy, indulge, feel your feelings- not just the ones in your head, feel the feelings that have been pooling in parts of your body, terrified if they ever made their way to your brain you’d be where you are now… in the in-between, breaking, growing, becoming new.
Let all that come to the surface. You’ve been saving it all for this moment, floating in the in-between, sometimes gasping for breath. Let it all spill out and be the water that floats you along from where you were to where you want to be.
I don’t know how to make it through. I only just started to have faith that I will someday. But, long before that, I had to become okay with letting my heart feel like it doesn’t have a home, and letting my feelings spill out of me, and letting go of the fear of breaking.
Give into the not knowing and let the in-between carry you. The only way out is through.
xoxo
Jill
I married young and was eventually miserable. For years. But the thought of leaving was too much, I thought it would be too awful. So I stuck around and suffered for years. Then finally, I was ready to leave. And it WAS too awful. Every bit as bad as I feared and somehow worse. But you know what? It didn't last forever. It gradually improved and in the 22 years (holy cow 22 years?????) since, life is fabulous. Had I stayed, I could have avoided that awful, awful place that was worse than my marriage. Had I stayed, I would still be in that miserable place, probably a worse place. Had I stayed, I would have missed out on the wonderful life I've built. It's worth it. Hang in there. It gets better. Staying put never gets better.
The leaving was being lined up and prepped for so long and I said it so often in my head that I deep down believed I would some day. Now on the other side and thriving is absolutely the most liberating thing I’ve ever experienced aside from moving to a completely different state straight out of college just because I wanted a job. Only this time I’m wiser, smarter, know my worth, don’t take any crap and have two children cheering me on!