12 Things I Did In 2022 For My Mental Health, Part 1

Because 12 is a lot of things, actually.

I posted this list to my Instagram yesterday, and thought this would be a great place to elaborate more on 12 things I did in 2022 that actually had a positive impact on my mental health. (Certainly not an exhaustive list, just a good one to start with.) Gonna start with 1-6 here, and I’ll share 7-12 tomorrow.

I told people I was struggling.

This began before last year. The end of 2021 is when I checked myself into a partial hospitalization program after I admitted to a dear friend that I was so far past ok that I didn’t think I’d ever get back without help.

But then, I also had to tell my dear friends, my close family, people I worked for and with that I was not well. In a lot of ways, that felt scarier than admitting that to psych intake.

For all my life, I was the strong-willed, smart, capable girl who made shit happen, and it was hard to tell people that felt like a lie. It was also incredibly freeing.

I asked for and accepted help, including financial help.

Along with letting people know I was falling apart, I had to ask them for help. Not just help finding a behavioral health program, or tracking down a psychiatrist, but also help with really basic functions, like feeding myself. At my lowest, friends sent me Uber Eats cards and dropped off groceries, they texted to check in to see if I’d eaten, taken a shower, had enough water, etc. They only knew to do this because I was honest with them about my struggles PLUS I was open to accepting their help, or I straight up asked for it.

The biggest ask was for money, both via my GoFundMe and small loans and gifts from dear friends and family who offered to help. I’m incredibly blessed and privileged to have that safety net in my life, and I realize not everyone does. But, I only discovered I did after I asked. Please don’t assume. Give your people a chance to show up for you.

I allowed myself to rest when my body or brain needed it.

A huge part of my depression was shame that I could no longer function anywhere close to the levels I used to. I know now that CPTSD caused a years-long spiraling trauma response that left me in a nearly constant state of fight, flight or freeze, with freeze increasingly becoming my default.

My brain thought the safest way to self-soothe was to dissociate, often in the form of napping. The more stressful things got, the more exhausted I got. The problem was, the more I slept, the more I blamed myself for not being able to function because I was “lazy,” which lead to more shame, which fed into the downward spiral that made me more tired. The alternative to giving into sleeping, was to activate my fight or flight mode, meaning anytime I was stressed and trying not to sleep, I was extremely on-edge, agitated, and having panic attacks.

In order to heal, I had to rest without punishing myself for it. Eventually, I got to a place where I could distinguish between needing rest from needing a reset to my freeze response. But here’s the thing- I could not get healthy enough to fight my freeze response until I was rested. It’s a TRICKY balance because sleeping all day every day isn’t going to help much in the long run, but making yourself feel like a worthless piece of shit every time you get tired is also not helpful.

It was and still is a constant dance of being really honest, gentle, and forgiving of myself, while also pushing myself to step into discomfort as much as I can.

I decreased my alcohol intake.

Personally, I don’t feel like my alcohol consumption was a “problem.” For me, really it was becoming an unhealthy habit. I had about 7-10 drinks a week on average. A glass of wine every weeknight and 2-3 on a Saturday and/or Sunday usually. Not all weeks. Some I had less, but rarely none, after I finished my outpatient program.

I downloaded the Reframe app in August and used it every day that month, which was completely dry for me. Then I let myself phase a glass or two a week back in in September. I now feel like I have a healthy balance again. I can have a glass or two with dinner or when I’m on a date, but hardly ever more than that. I replaced my nightly glass of wine with hot tea most nights. But I will treat myself every now and then.

I feel like this has improved my sleep, and helped me go to bed and wake up earlier. Not to mention, saved calories, better hydration, feeling less bloated, and saved money! All things tied to my mental health in some way.

I tried to go to sleep earlier and get out of bed earlier.

It really is true, the whole thing about going to sleep at the same time every night and waking up at the same time every morning- how that’s good for your mental health. At least for me it has been. Once I eliminated alcohol most nights, I found it so much easier to fall asleep by 10. If I’m not with the kids on a school day, I’ll usually wake up for the day around 7. When I’m with them and we have busses to catch, my alarm goes off at 6.

A weird thing has started now- I am finding myself wide awake at 5 am or sometimes earlier. Instead of tossing and turning, I’ve been getting out of bed and doing what I can to be productive until I get tired again, then letting myself go back to bed for an early morning “nap.” It’s not ideal, but fighting this feels like a waste of energy right now.

I paid close attention to my nervous system, never judging, just observing when I felt regulated and not.

Tuning into my nervous system and somatic responses in my body is the wildest awakening. Like, I’ve had these feelings and sensations all my life, but was completely blind to them and what it meant for my state of mind until last year.

It’s hard to know what regulation feels like when you’re hardly ever regulated. I was so activated for so long that I truly forgot what it feels like to be at peace and grounded. I forgot that it was even possible.

I made it a habit of checking in with my body and how I was feeling constantly throughout the day. Was I breathing quickly? Was I tired? Was I dizzy? If so, what was I experiencing at that moment that could be causing that? Strictly as an observation, trying very hard not to shame or judge myself for anything I felt.

Eventually I began to notice- more and more- when my body felt safe, I felt in control of my emotions and responses, and I felt peaceful and content. I tried to memorize what that felt like, and remind myself that is my home base to try to get back to when something feels off.

Part 2 soon.