That's a Me Problem, Not a Men Problem

I don’t give with my whole heart because I want something in return, but my whole heart deserves to be honored.

“Looking for someone to do life with.”

That was on my most recent iteration of a dating profile. I hoped it was giving “looking for a partner, not my kid’s stepdad,” and “looking for someone who’s committed enough to give a fuck about me, but not looking to get remarried.”

I did specifically spell those things out further down, too, since I’m not looking for a mindreader.

About a year ago I began thinking what my future could realistically look like. Knowing I’m the type who will let her heart jump in first, and figure out logistics next, I wanted to be more intentional about an ideal partnership. And I landed on someone who, in addition to loving me well in all the ways and growing along with me while working on themselves, is ok with a 50/50 relationship.

In my mind, folding another parent into the mix feels like so much extra work. But what if I have my time with the kids, and then I have my time with a partner? Not that the two worlds would never touch, but we didn’t have to blend anything.

This felt like a really self-aware intention, coming from a place of growth and maturity. All I wanted was to love and be loved, but have some space, too. And this must be a more attractive offer to men, yeah? All the fun of dating, none of the drama of step-parenting.

This was essentially how my last relationship with Jay (first longterm after separation) played out, and it worked out really well…. until it didn’t, but not because of any of this.

I have a lot of fear around appearing needy and clingy. My anxious attachment and abandonment wounds drive me to behave and think this way if I don’t keep it all in check. I overcompensate for this by being “breezy” about things, and giving a lot of space, and shoving my panic spirals deep down into my gut where they ferment anytime I get worried things are not at all “breezy.”

Unfortunately, that hasn’t landed me the committed and balanced relationship I’ve been trying to manifest. I think it’s mostly made me appear to be available to unavailable men.

Instead of a partner I can call when I’m crying on my couch who will just listen to my tears fall, instead of partner who, with some regularity, are my safe arms to fall into at night, I have mostly found men who think I’m really “amazing” and they can tell me anything, and we have “such a deep connection.” We can have conversations for hours, and I take joy in showing up for them in all the ways… but always only on their timelines.

I don’t give with my whole heart because I want something in return, but my whole heart deserves to be honored. And it’s not up to men to do that for me.

I found myself crying recently, asking myself if I will ever feel chosen by someone. If I will ever feel like the clear winner, the obvious choice, the one he didn’t have to rationalize.

A part of the work I’m doing on my attachment and abandonment wounds has been recognizing how my own manipulation has played it’s part in keeping partners committed to me when I refused to recognize their indifference- how I’ve made myself small to keep men who would only feel safe enough to stay with that version of me.

I don’t want to be anything other than someone’s #1 pick anymore. I don’t want to be the “breezy” girl they can tell everything to, cry in front of, and then not pick up the phone when I call at the end of a really hard day.

And all of that? That’s a me problem, not a men problem.

I deserve someone to do life with, 100%. But I deserve to know that I can do life on my own first. I deserve to be chosen by someone, but I deserve to choose myself first.

It’s all this bullshit cliche shit, I know. But I’m not saying I can’t love someone until I love myself “better” or fully or anything like that. I am fully capable of loving the right person at this very moment, and I can absolutely still commit to growing and learning how to do life on my own, too, if that person appears.

But I think the universe is trying to tell me that my anxiety and abandonment wounds will heal significantly if I know deep down I’ll never abandon myself again, and that’s what I need to focus on while I wait.

I deleted dating apps over a month ago. I’m at a bar on a Friday night, writing this, solo. Maybe I’ll bump into a man who doesn’t have my dating profile to go on, who can’t read between the lines that I’m damaged.

Maybe what I need is a connection that starts with eye contact and sparks, with someone excitedly choosing me out of a crowded room, instead of adding me to their match collection. And maybe he’ll want more than just 50% of me… and maybe that will be just fine.

In the meantime, I deserve all of me.